Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships

Healthy Relationships vs. Unhealthy Relationships

Today’s topic is addressing the differences in healthy and unhealthy relationships.

A healthy relationship is based on mutual respect, trust, partnership and support. It seeks to be fair when addressing any conflict and seriously takes the other person’s point of view into consideration. This usually plays out in a few key characteristics that are necessary. According to the Duluth Model’s Equality Wheel, a healthy relationship has 9 key elements: Non-Violence; Negotiation & Fairness; Non-Threatening Behavior; Respect; Trust & Support; Honesty & Accountability; Responsible Parenting; Shared Responsibility; and Economic Partnership.

 

Based on Duluth Model from mountcope.wordpress.com

During counseling sessions with couples, one model used is the Gottman Model. It was developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman.  It uses the Sound Relationship House to address and maintain these elements of a healthy relationship. There are specific activities and skills practiced to address each level of the house.

The Gottman Institute Sound Relationship House from www.gottman.com

An unhealthy relationship usually presents as quite the opposite of the above examples. At least one partner is critical of the other, there is aggressive or passive-aggressive forms of communication or conflict management, there is an absence of mutual respect, there is very little compromise, and there is an absence of being able to accept responsibility for things that might need to change in the relationship.  According to the Duluth Model’s Power and Control Wheel, an unhealthy relationship also can have 9 key elements: Violence (Physical and/or Sexual), Using Intimidation, Using Emotional Abuse, Using Isolation, Minimizing, Denying, Blaming; Using Children; Using Male Privilege (or the Dominant Partner Privilege); Using Economic Abuse; and Using Coercion & Threats.

  

Counseling with qualified clinicians can effectively address both types of relationships. Healthy relationships with minor challenges or a goal of strengthening the current bond can utilize couples counseling to be proactive. This can help those relationships stay ahead of the statistics, which shows that most couples wait until 6 years after they have started having problems before seeking professional help. Use couples counseling as maintenance and Preventative Care vs. Emergency Room level attention.

Couples with more serious issues can also benefit from couples counseling to retrain ineffective and harmful behaviors in their relationship. There is one caveat, relationships that have a partner who engages in  “characterological violence" (one who frequently uses abusive tactics, especially physical violence, as a way of controlling and manipulating their partner) are usually less successful in couples therapy without individual counseling being utilized by the abuser. A decision might even need to be made by one or both people in this type of abusive relationship to separate or end the relationship.

Disagreements will occur in any relationship. How you deal with those disagreements and with each other determines a healthy vs. unhealthy relationship. Counseling can help you navigate Conflict Management vs. Conflict Resolution. The Relationship Boosters is a group of Gottman approved educators and licensed counselors. Feel free to contact us if you are interested in couples counseling. You can also seek out other couples counselors in your area for further help. HelpGuide.org has great resources for people who are in abusive relationships. If further help is needed in that area, try their link in order to get resources where you live.

Why You Started Dating Your Mate!

Bringing Back The Good Ol' Days

Remember the days when your relationship was new and everything was so exciting?  When relationships are new, you may anticipate your next interaction; it may feel like waiting in line for a roller coaster ride! This excitement creates an intense interest to see each other.  There is also a great deal of concern and interest in your partner's feelings.  When the sparks are flying, there is an increased focus on connecting emotionally.  At this stage in the relationship, you are more likely to center your life around your partner.

Many people ask, “What can I do to bring back that experience?”  It all starts with focusing on your partner and your relationship.  Listed are some ideas to heighten the focus on your partner. 

1. Get out of the routine.  Switch it up so that your partner can experience some things that are unexpected.  For instance, show up for lunch at his or her job.  Have a romantic evening planned at the house. Routines can become boring; it makes life seem like it’s on autopilot.  Getting out of the routine can help add some spice to your relationship.
2. Take the day and plan a date with the focus on your partner.   Think of something that he or she might enjoy, and make a Saturday of it!   This will give your spouse the idea that you have been thinking about him or her during your time apart. 
3.  Re-create a date that was meaningful to you and your partner.  What date do you recall being highly connected with your partner?  If your first date was your most memorable experience, why not do it again?  Re-create that night or day.  Bring back the romance from the intense connection that you had at that time. 

Remember, keeping the spark lit can contribute to having a long lasting connection.  Recalling your courting days can always help you maintain an interest in one another.  It allows you to remember the reasons for being together.

The Art of Flirting In Your Relationship

When relationships begin, many couples show their desire for each other in the courting process.  Early in the relationship, showing affection is high on the list.   Over time, this attention to the relationship can be lost.  Flirting or engaging in behavior that shows that you are attracted to someone is a sure relationship booster!  What did you do early in your relationship to flirt with your partner?  How can you bring this flirty behavior back? If you don’t know where to get started, here are some ideas to get you going.

• Do you recall those times when you would spend late nights on the phone talking to your boyfriend or girlfriend? Have an interesting conversation at night.  Talk about what things you love about each other and things that you're interested in doing together in the near future. Learn more about your partner and build a stronger connection.
• Get out of that rigid old habit of predictability.  Have a fun filled day of spontaneity and surprise. See what you guys can get into with the agenda of having a day of stress-free relaxation.
• When is the last time you gave your spouse a compliment?  Give him or her an unexpected compliment for an ego boost!  Tell your partner about his or her “sexy” body parts.
• Take the compliment a step further, and share your desires and fantasies about each other.  Tell your partner exactly what you want him or her to do and vice versa.  This can rejuvenate a more intimate connection.
• Stay connected through physical touch. Sitting on your partners lap is a great way to flirt.  You can also hold your mates hand or slip your shoe off and play footsie under the table. Send your partner the nonverbal message, “I can’t keep my hands off you.”
• There is nothing like receiving some good old fashioned attention.  Send your partner a text or sext message.  Show your partner that you are thinking of him or her while you are apart.  This lets you partner know that he or she is out of site, not out of mind.

Don’t wait for flirting to come to you.  If flirting is absent, initiate it in your relationship. Acknowledge and share your sexual and overall attraction with your partner!  This can increase your connection and improve your relationship.  What are you waiting for?  Get in the habit of giving your relationship that extra boost.