The Art and Science of Forgiveness

Forgive | Definition of Forgive by Merriam-Webster

www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/forgive
Merriam‑Webster

1 a : to give up resentment of or claim to requital for <forgive an insult> b : to grant relief from payment of <forgive a debt> 2 : to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : pardon <forgive one's enemies>

Now that we have the definition of "Forgive", let's look at how we carry out forgiveness and gain a better understanding of what it is and isn't.

Forgiveness is: The process of breaking the attachment of negative emotions to a person or situation. This results in the relief of stress, anger, pain, negative thoughts, and negative self-talk.
Forgiveness is not: Condoning the other person's behavior, repressing and denying your feelings, or forgetting that the event took place. 

Step 1: Accept and Acknowledge
This involves accepting that you have been hurt and acknowledging that this event took place. Don't downplay it. You can find the most benefit out of this part of the process when you refrain from isolation. Utilize your supports (someone you trust) and talk about the hurt. Don't make excuses for your emotions, just let them out. Make your supports very aware that you are not looking for advice, you are just venting.

Step 2: Reflect and Define
This involves looking back on the event that occurred and the particular misdeed that hurt you, aka "The Hook". What specifically offended you the most? Once that has been identified, ask yourself these questions:
1-What do you want this pain to turn into?
2-What do you want to learn from this?
3-What part of this event can you take responsibility for?
4-What part of the other person's behavior can you see from their point of you? (even if it is the smallest connection)

Step 3: Dull the Hook and Break the Cycle
This involves utilizing self-soothing and positive cognitive restructuring. This will help minimize the anger or hurt that is holding you back from applying forgiveness. Here are some helpful techniques:
1-Prayer and Meditation
2-Make a list of things for which you are grateful.
3-Make a list of positive affirmations, mantras, or bible verses to recite out loud to yourself daily.
4-Listen to, watch, or read things that are encouraging and motivating.
5-Start thinking about your future past this hurt. What things would you want to do or be able to do if you weren't holding onto this pain?
6-Find a way to apply humor to the situation

Step 4:Renounce, Commit, Repeat
This involves being mindful that the anger and resentment can pop back up. Commit to the techniques that have been most useful for you in calming down and changing your mood. Commit to the process of forgiveness for your benefit not the other person. Renounce the anger and resentment by finding a reason why forgiveness is for you and how it improves your life. Repeat these steps if another situation arises where you have a challenge with forgiveness. Make sure to teach these steps to someone else and practice them before any future hurts get the chance to fester.

Know that whether you are trying to forgive someone else or yourself, this act and process has more than just emotional and psychological benefits. The medical benefits include improvement in your immune system-the body's defense to fight off disease and illness; reduction in stress hormones like Cortisol; improvement in blood pressure; and reduced risk of heart issues. Think of forgiveness as one of your self-care tools. Utilize it generously!

5 How To's For A Sincere Apology

Have you ever been stuck on how to say I’m sorry? Has someone ever stated that they don’t believe you’re sorry?  Has someone ever said, "You’re just saying what I want to hear, but you don’t know why you’re apologizing"? Dr. Gary Chapman identifies 5 universal ways that people apologize. Sincerity is more easily expressed when you believe what you are saying, and you use words that the other person can receive. Pick the type of apology that resonates with you. Try one of these the next time you need to give a sincere apology that the other person will be able to recognize.

1.Expressing regret -Acknowledge that you have caused the other person pain. "I'm sorry I called you that name. I know that may have hurt your feelings and I'm sorry for saying that."

2. Accepting responsibility – This focuses on admitting to what you did wrong. "That was wrong for me to call you names and insult you. I shouldn't have done that."

3.Making restitution – This focuses on making up for what was wrongfully done. " I shouldn't have called you that name. Please tell me how I can make up for it."

4.Expressing the desire to change behavior – "I keep yelling when I'm upset and I know that's not helpful. I want to stop doing that. Can you help me think of something I can do to change that and

stop."

5.Requesting forgiveness – This is where you ask for forgiveness in order for the apology to be seen as sincere. “I’m so sorry I yelled and reacted like that. I know that really bothers you. Will you please

forgive me?”

Thanksgiving in Your Relationship

Nothing is more honorable than a grateful heart. ~Seneca

Give your relationship that extra boost today by sharing what you are grateful for!  Thanksgiving is a day of giving thanks, so don't forget to give thanks to your partner today.  Even if there are flaws that you notice, being grateful can help to communicate and resolve problems that arise. 

For example, you recognize that your spouse forgot to get the noodles for the macaroni. You can respond in many different ways.

Response 1:  I thought I told you to get macaroni.  How could you forget the macaroni?  We eat it every year on Thanksgiving.

Response 2:  You did a great job cleaning up.  I am so happy that the house is prepared for guests.  I just noticed that we don’t have any noodles for the Mac and cheese.  Can you get some elbow macaroni from the store for me?

The sarcastic undertones in response 1 may start an altercation right before your guests arrive.  It will also damper the mood.  Response 2 requires looking for what he or she did right.  Genuinely looking for and focusing on the positives can generate more positive energy in your relationship.  It can help with your mood.  This is a choice to be in a good mood versus being angry and weighted.

Choose to say "Thank You", "I Appreciate You", "I Cherish You" to your partner today and everyday.

FEELING GRATITUDE AND NOT EXPRESSING IT IS LIKE WRAPPING A PRESENT AND NOT GIVING IT

*WILLIAM ARTHUR WARD*

Four Things to Avoid in Your Relationship

So, there is never a guarantee on whether or not a relationship is going to last but there is a guarantee that your relationship will “FAIL” if these next four things remain in your regular interactions with your partner. According to The Gottman Institute and Dr. John Gottman, it can be predicted with over 90% accuracy whether or not a relationship will fail if “The Four Horsemen” are present in your relationship. Let’s review them and start working on getting them out of our interactions with our partners.

Criticism: The act of attacking your spouse’s character or personality and blaming them while stating a complaint that you might have about a situation.

Antidote: Use a gentle start-up where you state how you feel, describe the specific situation, state your need, be polite, and show appreciation.

Example of Criticism: “You always leave dishes for me to wash. You never clean up behind yourself. You’re so lazy and a slob.”

Example of Gentle Start-up: “I feel frustrated when I have to wash dishes every day. Honey, could you please wash dishes on Tuesday and Thursday. I would really appreciate the help on those nights since I work late.

Defensiveness: Responding to an attack by your partner by making an excuse or blaming your spouse. Defensiveness just escalates the argument and increases the tension. Usually the attacking spouse doesn’t back down anyway.

Antidote: Accept responsibility for some part of the problem and openly admit to the part you played.

Example of Defensiveness: “Well, you don’t wash the dishes every day. I washed them a few times last month.”

Example of Accepting responsibility: You’re right, I should wash the dishes more often.  I’ll make an effort to do them on the days you come home late.

Contempt: Any verbal comment or body language that implies your partner is inferior, expresses condescension or disgust. Examples of this are eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, name calling, cynicism. This is usually brought on by having on-going negative thoughts about you partner.

Antidote: Describe your feelings and needs; Build a culture of appreciation

Example of Contempt: “I’m coming home to this dirty kitchen again. You’re so inconsiderate. I work and then come home and clean up after you. How do you contribute? Oh that’s right, you don’t!”

Examples of Describing your feelings and needs: “I feel tired and frustrated about the way the chores are divided right now. I would like if we can come up with a chore schedule.

How to build a culture of appreciation:

1)Tell your partner the things you appreciate about them-“I appreciate you planning the meals for the week.”

2)Tell your partner Thank You for the things they already do-“ Thank you for all you do with managing our finances.”

 3)Let your partner know how fond you are of them and the things you admire about them- “I am so proud to have you as my partner. I loved watching you work the room at the last week at my work holiday party. People love talking to you.”

Stonewalling: This is when one partner withdraws emotionally and psychologically from the negative interaction while still being physically present.

Antidote: Practice Self-Soothing Techniques

Examples of Stonewalling: One partner is making critical statements and demands, not giving the other partner the opportunity to say anything. The partner on the receiving end is quiet, looking away, showing no emotion, and usually thinking about when the interaction is going to end and avoiding causing the situation to escalate.

Example of Self-soothing: Receiving partner realizes they are feeling overwhelmed by the conversation and needs to calm down. They tell their partner that they need a break but will be back in 20 mins to discuss the issue. During the break the receiving partner does something to relieve stress, while avoiding negative thoughts, like listen to music or go for a walk. The receiving partner makes sure to come back to the topic and conversation at the time stated. The expectation is that the “adult timeout” allows both people to be calmer when revisiting the issue.